Seinfeld Quotes...


"I have no funny friends. I'm the funny one. El-Clowno!"
- George, in "The Visa"
"You're a very very good man."
- Babu to Jerry, in "The Visa"
"Kramer goes to a fantasy camp. His whole life is a fantasy camp. People should plunk down two-thousand dollars to live like him for a week. Do nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors, and have sex without dating. *That's* a fantasy camp!"
- George, in "The Visa"
"Why don't we just put these two tables together?"
"No no, you can't do that. They're round... it makes an eight...."
- Elaine and George, who doesn't want any
company on his date, in "The Visa"
"He thinks that if a woman sees a guy put on a better show, she'll walk out on his show and go see the other show."
- Elaine, about George, in "The Visa"
"Would it kill you not to be so funny all the time? That's all I'm askin'. This woman thinks I'm very funny and now you're gonna be funny, so what am I gonna be? I'm gonna be a short bald guy with glasses who suddenly doesn't seem so funny."
- George, to Jerry, in "The Visa"
"Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year's gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, each flicker of the candles on the cake we know it's not to be. That for the rest of our sad, wretched, pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably. Happy birthday? No such thing."
- Jerry, trying not to be funny, in "The Visa"
"Hey! I thought you weren't coming back 'til Monday!?"
"Well, the camp ended a few days early."
"Well, there was an incident."
"What happened?"
"I punched Mickey Mantle in the mouth."
"Yeah, I punched him and they took him to the hospital and then they cancelled the rest of the week."
"You punched *who* in the mouth?"
"Mickey Mantle."
"What happened?"
"Well, you know, we were playin' a game and I was pitching and I was really throwin' some smoke. And uh, Joe Pepitone, he was up and man, that guy... he was crowding the plate!"
"Wow... Joe Pepitone!"
"Yeah, well, Joe Pepitone or not, I own the inside of that plate! So I throw one inside, a little chin music... put him right on his pants, because I got to intimidate when I'm on the mound. Well, the next pitch, he's right back in the same place! So.... I had to plunk him."
"You plunked him?"
"Oh yeah. Well, he throws down his bat, he comes racing up to the mound, next thing both benches are cleared, a brouhaha breaks out between the guys in camp and the old Yankee players, and as I'm trying to get Moose Skowron off one of my teammates, somebody pulls me from behind and I turned around and I *popped* him! I look down and, whoa man! It's Mickey! I punched his lights out! Then Hank Bauer's screaming 'Mickey! Mickey! What have you have done with Mickey?! You killed Mickey!'"
"So what did you do?"
"I got the hell outta there!"
- Jerry, Kramer and Elaine, as Kramer describes the fun he had at camp, in "The Visa"
"You bad man! You very bad man! You very lazy bad man!!"
- Babu, after finding out that Jerry is the reason he's being deported back to Pakistan, in "The Visa"
"Where is Babu? What happened to Babu? Show me Babu!"
- Babu's brother, in "The Visa"
"No. Too fruity."
- Elaine and Babu's brother, in "The Visa"
"It's mostly bills, magazines and junk mail, anyway."
"Elaine, that's what mail *is*. Without bills, magazines
and junk mail, there *is* no mail."
- Elaine and Jerry, in "The Visa"
"Toasting makes me uncomfortable. But toast I love. Never start the day without a good piece of toast. In fact, let's toast to toast."
- George, trying to be witty, in "The Visa"
"The turbo quadramatic transmission offers you the power and prestige to propel you well into the twenty-first century."
- Elaine, imitating a snooty spokesmodel, in "The Visa"
"Do you ever laugh?"
"Not really. Sometimes when I'm in the tub..."
"That's so sad. What do you do?"
"I'm a comedian."
- Cheryl and Jerry, in "The Visa"
"Nobody is sicker than me."
- George, in "The Visa"
"I am going to save up every rupee. For someday, I will get back to America, and when I do, I will exact vengeance on this man. I cannot forget it. He haunts me. He is a very bad man. Very, very bad man."
- Babu, blaming Jerry for his deportation to Pakistan, in "The Visa"


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