Seinfeld Quotes...

"THE PITCH"

"What did they do for toilet paper in the Civil War?"

"What?"

"I wonder what toilet paper was like in the 1860's. Did they carry it in rolls in their duffel bags?"

"Everything with you comes down to toilet paper."

"What?"

"That's always the first question with you. Why is that always your focus?"

"Alright, then what did they do?"

"I don't know. Maybe they gave out big loose clumps to all the soldiers."

"I think it would be nice if there was some sort of historical record of it."

"Maybe they should have a toilet paper museum. Would you like that? So we could see all the toilet paper advancements down through the ages. Toilet paper during the Crusades, the development of the perforation, the first six-pack."

- George and Jerry, in "The Pitch"

 

"They want you to do a TV show?"

"Well, they want me to come up with an idea. I don't have any ideas."

"C'mon, how hard is that? Look at all the junk that's on TV."

- George and Jerry, in "The Pitch"

"Salsa is now the number one condiment in America."

"Do you know why? Because people like to say 'Salsa!'"

- George and Jerry, in "The Pitch"

 

"It's about nothing."

- George, on his idea for Jerry's TV show, in "The Pitch"

 

"I think you may have something here."

- Jerry, on George's idea, in "The Pitch"

 

"You better think again, Mojambo!"

- Kramer, in "The Pitch"

 

"Well, why am I watching it?"

"Because it's on TV."

"Not yet."

- Russell and George, in "The Pitch"

 

"Artistic integrity. Where did you come up with that? You're not artistic and you have no integrity."

- Jerry, to George, in "The Pitch"

 

"You really need some help. A regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you. You need to go to, like, Vienna or something. You know what I mean? You need to get involved at the university level, like where Freud studied, and have all those people looking at you and checking up on you. That's the kind of help you need. Not the once-a-week for eighty bucks, no. You need a team. A team of psychiatrists working around the clock, thinking about you, having conferences, observing you like the way they did with the elephant man. That's what I'm talking about, because that's the only way you're going to get better."

- Jerry, to George, in "The Pitch"

 

"Hi. Would you be interested in switching over to TMI Long Distance service?"

"Oh, gee, I can't talk right now. Why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you later."

"Uh, sorry, we're not allowed to do that."

"Oh, I guess you don't want people calling you at home."

"No."

"Well, now you know how I feel."

- Telemarketer and Jerry, in "The Pitch"

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