Give Them What They Want

Today's guest post is from Dr. Rajiv Vaidyanathan, Professor of Marketing at the University of Minnesota, Duluth, and Executive Director of the Association For Consumer Research. His biggest claim to fame, however, is being a groomsman at my wedding. I'm not sure why he's remained friends with me over the past 21 years. Maybe it's the fact that his children owe their very existence to my wife and me (we introduced Rajiv to his wife). I would point you to his blog, but he is currently without one, so today he's taking over mine...


Give Them What They Want
by Dr. Rajiv Vaidyanathan

I was in class teaching my consumer behavior students about reactance theory. I was explaining how people generally have an innate negative reaction to any attempt to restrict their freedoms. That is why censorship invariably does not work.

When you tell someone they cannot have something or cannot see something, they instinctively want it more. The implications for marketing are clear – sellers will often try and imply that a product is scarce or running out of stock fast in order to get people to "pull the trigger."

As I was explaining this, I realized there are significant implications of reactance theory for parenting too. We know from psychology that people react against any attempt to limit their freedom. Countless times I have seen parents get into arguments with their kids when they tell them they CANNOT have something (or alternatively MUST do something). Suddenly, the item the child cannot have is infinitely more desirable than any other option and it ends up leading to a loud argument or out-of-control tantrum.

Although my kids are young and I should never say never, I am quite proud of the fact that I rarely, if ever, get into arguments with the kids. Even when I want them to do something, I almost always frame it as a choice THEY have to make.

For example, it is accepted practice in our house that if the kid does not want to eat what is served for dinner, they can just go straight to bed. However, I think it is effective in our case because of the way it is framed to them. I have NEVER framed the "going to bed" as a punishment. There is never an argument why they should or should not eat something that is served to them.

Here's a typical interaction with my 9-year-old daughter:

Her: "I hate pesto pasta."
Me (in a perfectly sweet and reasonable voice): "You don’t have to eat it, honey. But you know the rule, you can always go straight to bed. Actually, it is getting a little late, so maybe you want to go to bed a little early. I'll tell you what – you can even read a little longer."
Her (eyes filling with tears): "But I don't want to go to bed. Can I make myself a PBJ sandwich for dinner?"
Me: "Honey, you know that mom has made the pesto pasta for dinner. But you decide – you really don’t have to eat it if you don't like it. I know there are some things I don’t like too much. I'll tell you what – if you decide to skip dinner and go to bed right now, you can even read a little longer. What's the book you're reading now?"
Her (picking at the food with a little sulk): "But I don't like this stuff."
Me (in a continuing "I’m willing to accommodate anything you want" voice): "Okay, I'll tell you what. You really don't have to eat it. BUT, why don't you just try a little bit and see if you can at least get through some of it. Then, if it really is terrible, you still have the choice of just leaving it and going to bed. So, best of both the worlds – you can try it and see if it is edible and if not, I won't be upset if you just leave the rest on your plate and go to bed. Fair enough?"

Invariably, the child will eat a reasonable amount of dinner. If she eats most of the dinner, but not all, she will try and negotiate with me and say something like, "If I eat everything except this one bit can I stay up until regular bed time?" If she eats very little and decides she hates it, there is still no argument and I just say, "That’s fine honey. Don't worry about it. You don't have to eat something you don't want to – just make sure you brush your teeth before getting into bed, okay?"

This technique works in a variety of situations. Generally, giving a child the choice of two undesirable options is far better than arguing with them about what you want them to do. To me, this is almost instinctive now. Any time one of the kids tells me that he or she does not want to do something, I immediately agree that they don't have to do it, but then they need to do something else.

Here's an interaction with my 14-year-old son:

Me: "Have you done your book report for school yet?"
Him: "No, I'll do it later. I just need to read the book a little more. I'm almost done reading the book, so I'll probably do it tomorrow."
Me (in a completely neutral "oh yes, I understand" voice): "Okay, fine. By the way, I need you to spend some time with the SAT practice software I bought last week. Can you just spend a couple of hours doing that? How about we play some Rock Band when you're done?"
Him (making an exasperated face): "Daaaaddd..."
Me (looking genuinely surprised at his exasperation): "What? I thought you'd be happy. If you don't feel like doing the SAT stuff now, you can work on the book report. All I'm saying is that you can do whichever you prefer – either finish up the book report or spend some time with the software. I know what sounds good depends on your mood. So, I'm trying to be accommodating here. Just do whichever you feel like, okay?"
Him (looking none too happy): "Fine. How much of the book report do you want me to finish today?"
Me: "Let’s see how far you get. Basically, I need to see something in written form. So, as long as you get a rough draft done, that should be fine for now. Does that sound reasonable?"
Him (still sounding a little unhappy): "Fine."

Never in these interactions is there a "You will do it because I say so!" argument. I cannot recall when I have EVER used those words with the kids. Reactance theory suggests that those words may actually be less effective than having the child feel he or she has chosen what to do.

So, give them what they want and get exactly what you want.