Guest Post: Discovering Dad

Today's guest post is by Jeremy Biser, from Discovering Dad, a relatively new site devoted to learning what it means to be a good dad. Which, not coincidentally, is the title of Jeremy's guest post, in which he offers up some sage advice for fathers both new and experienced.

Learning What it Means to be a Good Dad
by Jeremy Biser

You've probably heard it said before, "Anyone can become a father, but not everyone is really a dad." To me, the term 'father' is one of both respect and biology - it is patriarchal and physiological. I respect my father, but I don't call him by that name. I call him "Dad" because he was always very involved and present in my life. He wasn't just a figurehead in our family, instead he was a playmate, teacher, mentor and inspiration to me. I'm lucky to have such a good role model.

I've been a dad now for almost 16 years, and I've learned a lot in that time. I've made mistakes - a lot of them - but I've also learned from my mistakes and tried to consistently grow in my role. My experiences as a dad have come to shape and enrich my life in ways I never would have expected, and I consider myself to be a fortunate man to have a loving wife and three incredible kids.

When I look back over the years, there are a few key things I've learned that really stick out in my mind:

Be Consistent. Kids love surprises when it comes to birthday presents or summer vacations, but they don't like surprises when it comes to interactions with their parents. They like predictability - it makes them feel comfortable and safe knowing what to expect from you. The world is a big place, but it's also a chaotic place. Kids don't want to have chaos at home too. As a Dad, I always try to make sure that I'm consistent with my kids.

Be Fair. Nothing upsets a kid more than feeling like a parent favors one sibling over another. It creates a situation in which your child's self-talk and self-image turn negative, and this oftentimes leads to bigger problems with discipline, disrespect, lack of motivation or other forms of rebelling or acting out. As a Dad, I try to make sure that I divide my time and attention equally among my kids, or at least let them know verbally how much I care about each of them.

Be Genuine. Kids are young and inexperienced but they're not stupid. They can tell when you're not being genuine with them. Putting on a fake smile or being overenthusiastic is apparent even to a 2-year-old, and always talking in that "parent tone" comes across as condescending. Just be yourself - your kids can handle it. Yes, you might need to filter some of the things you say or do, but it is important to teach your kids to be happy in their own skin. How are they going to learn this if Dad is always putting on an act around them? As a Dad, I let my kids see who I really am - warts and all - and I encourage them to be genuine with me too. If they don't, I call them on it. If I don't , then I expect them to call me out too.

Be Loving. Kids need love more than anything else in this world, and they need you to show it to them daily. The way you treat your child greatly affects how your child treats themselves and others. If you want your child to love and accept themselves, then they must feel loved and accepted by you. If you want your child to treat others with respect and dignity, then they need to learn this behavior from the way your treat them and others too. Withholding love and affection from your child does not make him tough, rather it makes him vulnerable and callous. As a Dad, I shower my kids with hugs, kisses and praise on a daily basis. Does this mean that I'm a softy with them? No. I believe that there is no true love without accountability, so in addition to telling them I love every day I also hold them accountable for their actions. Affection and accountability go hand-in-hand in being a good dad and loving your child.

Be Present. Kids benefit from having a strong relationship with their dad. Some statistics have shown that involved dads greatly reduce the risk of children getting involved in gangs, drugs, alcohol, sex and crime. More importantly, though, having a dad that's present in a child's life sets a good example for that child as they grow older and leave the home. There are too many kids in the world whose father's are no where to be found. Deadbeat dads are costing society billions of dollars every year, and personally, I find that reprehensible. Kids need to have their dad present in their lives. A good male role model provides balance, security and self-confidence in a child. It's not OK to spend all of your time working either - it may be necessary for your family, but it does come with a cost to your kids. As a Dad, I can't be all things to all people, but I can be present for my kids as one of my top priorities. Having said that, it doesn't always have to be the quantity of time spent with your kids - quality time is definitely more important. In my experience, a good dad makes quality time and being present a priority for his kids.

These are just a few of the big things I've learned about what it means to be a good dad. What are some of the big things you've learned? Did you have to learn them the hard way (I know I did)? Please share your experience about what it means to be a good dad.

Be sure to visit Discovering Dad for more insightful articles and discussions about fatherhood.