Hello Cruel World
Parents play so many roles, but one of the most important is that of protector.
I still remember the feeling that came over me when we brought our first child home. Driving away from the hospital, I was on full alert, ready to defend my newborn son with every ounce of my being. I had our car surrounded with a psychic force field the seven miles it took to reach the safety of our house.
Those early years were easy. My job as protector was mostly physical -- making sure the house was baby proofed, or that my son didn't get carried away by eagles. The perceived dangers were clear.
But as he got older and started learning about the world around him, suddenly things got complicated.
When he was three years old an airplane flew into the North Tower of the World Trade Center. My wife and I couldn't help but watch TV coverage for days, but we didn't encourage my son to absorb any of it. "Go play," we'd tell him. I felt he just wasn't old enough to think about this kind of evil.
You don't sit a 3-year-old down and teach him about things like terrorism, rape, torture, and disease.
Eventually, though, they have to start understanding the harsh realities of life.
One of the saddest things about your children growing up is when they start to figure out that the world isn't a blissful paradise with smiling people living on candy mountains.
I just want these feelings to come slowly. Step by gradual step.
One day last month, my son took a big leap in his grasp of how cruel this world can be sometimes.
We were learning about Anne Frank, and how her family hid from the Nazis during the German occupation of the Netherlands. We read about the years of isolation, and then the betrayal and arrest of everyone in the hiding place.
At first, my son was mad that somebody had ratted them out. But then he asked me, "So what happened to Anne?"
I answered, "She was sent to a concentration camp."
"And?"
"And, she died there."
He looked up at me suddenly, and I could see it in his eyes, this sort of angry bewilderment. It was like he was thinking, "What the hell is wrong with us that we do these things to each other?!"
He thought about it for a minute, and then the understanding dawned. Yes, this is, was, and always will be a cruel world. Bad things happen sometimes.
I think he really truly gets that now.
As his protector through the years, I've slowly guided him toward these moments of wisdom. Because of that, I think he'll be better able to process the information and make good choices for himself.
But at the same time, I've given both my kids the chance to grow up with a foundation of hope and love, to know that the world is, first and foremost, a beautiful place with countless reasons to be happy and optimistic.
Even in our worst moments, I trust they will never forget that.
I still remember the feeling that came over me when we brought our first child home. Driving away from the hospital, I was on full alert, ready to defend my newborn son with every ounce of my being. I had our car surrounded with a psychic force field the seven miles it took to reach the safety of our house.
Those early years were easy. My job as protector was mostly physical -- making sure the house was baby proofed, or that my son didn't get carried away by eagles. The perceived dangers were clear.
But as he got older and started learning about the world around him, suddenly things got complicated.
When he was three years old an airplane flew into the North Tower of the World Trade Center. My wife and I couldn't help but watch TV coverage for days, but we didn't encourage my son to absorb any of it. "Go play," we'd tell him. I felt he just wasn't old enough to think about this kind of evil.
You don't sit a 3-year-old down and teach him about things like terrorism, rape, torture, and disease.
Eventually, though, they have to start understanding the harsh realities of life.
One of the saddest things about your children growing up is when they start to figure out that the world isn't a blissful paradise with smiling people living on candy mountains.
I just want these feelings to come slowly. Step by gradual step.
One day last month, my son took a big leap in his grasp of how cruel this world can be sometimes.
We were learning about Anne Frank, and how her family hid from the Nazis during the German occupation of the Netherlands. We read about the years of isolation, and then the betrayal and arrest of everyone in the hiding place.
At first, my son was mad that somebody had ratted them out. But then he asked me, "So what happened to Anne?"
I answered, "She was sent to a concentration camp."
"And?"
"And, she died there."
He looked up at me suddenly, and I could see it in his eyes, this sort of angry bewilderment. It was like he was thinking, "What the hell is wrong with us that we do these things to each other?!"
He thought about it for a minute, and then the understanding dawned. Yes, this is, was, and always will be a cruel world. Bad things happen sometimes.
I think he really truly gets that now.
As his protector through the years, I've slowly guided him toward these moments of wisdom. Because of that, I think he'll be better able to process the information and make good choices for himself.
But at the same time, I've given both my kids the chance to grow up with a foundation of hope and love, to know that the world is, first and foremost, a beautiful place with countless reasons to be happy and optimistic.
Even in our worst moments, I trust they will never forget that.
Permalink posted by Idaho Dad at 12:27 AM
13 Comments:
It's brilliant that you are there for him in every way. Protecting him still, even as he is being opened up to the cruel side of life. You are doing a great job with your kids
Foundation is the key. Build that part solid and it doesn't matter what gets thrown on top.
I like this post.
That's all you can do- and hope for.
I have a hard enough time with the fact that my toddler suddenly understands enough about the world to be worried in new situations, instead of blissfully unaware. But on the other hand, this level of awareness is the price we all pay for the rich, positive experiences that life has to offer. Every time your son reaches a new level of understanding about pain and suffering, he's also learning more about love, compassion, and the value of life.
At least you did not, yet, have to tell him about about the Christmas sprites...
Phil,
Great work. And work it is guiding these young hearts and minds through childhood, but the end result will be young people who are ready and willing to contribute to out world. keep up the good work Phil, you and your wife sure do seem to know what you're doing.
Phil - I'm in the process of raising 4 boys. I've gone through the process of slowly introducing them to the world. There's a fine line between being over-protecting and just throwing your children to the lions.
Powerful post...I still want to protect my kids--and they're teens now. I doubt that feeling will ever leave; however, I do work on letting go and allowing them learn for themselves. At this point, fixing their mistakes and not letting them see what's out in the world is not helping them. I have to trust that we gave them the skills to make good judgments. Deep down though, I want to hang on to them and keep them close for as long as I can.
Well said. I know exactly what you mean by feeling like you're ruining things for them by exposing them to the horrors of the "real" world. We sat and cried when the US engaged in the first Gulf War while holding our 3 week old baby - wondering how we could bring an innocent child into such a violent place.
That is one of the things I dread with Lukas. Learning those types of things. I just hope that when the time comes, we have done a good job of preparing him for that point.
Amazing. Simply amazing. I definately needed this tonight. Not sure if I'm dealing with the same thing, heck, I'm not even sure what I'm dealing with. But you definately gave me something to think about.
I too want to keep our kids as innocent as possible, but know that they must be prepared for the world also.
The trick is figuring out when they are ready for real world information to use their real world tools.
It's even more complicated when you have to explain to your kids that your ethnicity was the one targeted.
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