The Wanderer
There's an 8-year-old girl in our neighborhood who is a wanderer. She roams the streets with almost total freedom from parental supervision. Everyone around here knows her name because at one point or another she's appeared in their garage or knocked on their door looking for kids to play with.
During the summer, she's out of her house early in the morning and doesn't have to be back home until bedtime. I have no idea what she eats for lunch and dinner. Maybe neighbors set food out for her, like you would for a stray cat.
When we're at home, my own kids play in the house, the backyard, and the park across the street, but I always know where they are and what they're doing. They don't just wander the streets looking for someone, anyone, to be their friends. In fact, I don't know of any other young children who spend the bulk of their summer days left to their own devices.
Is it just me, or do you think it's wrong that an 8-year-old girl has been given such a high level of independence?
During the summer, she's out of her house early in the morning and doesn't have to be back home until bedtime. I have no idea what she eats for lunch and dinner. Maybe neighbors set food out for her, like you would for a stray cat.
When we're at home, my own kids play in the house, the backyard, and the park across the street, but I always know where they are and what they're doing. They don't just wander the streets looking for someone, anyone, to be their friends. In fact, I don't know of any other young children who spend the bulk of their summer days left to their own devices.
Is it just me, or do you think it's wrong that an 8-year-old girl has been given such a high level of independence?
Permalink posted by Idaho Dad at 12:30 AM
22 Comments:
I felt like I had a huge chunk of independence when I was a kid, but in hindsight I was on a bigger leash than I thought.
It is a bit disturbing that her parents, whom I assume are just being overly trusting and hopefully not negligent, don't require her to have some sort of safety net.
These are different times. I can't imagine letting my kids be out of sight for so long that they become out of mind.
Wow. I had quite a bit of independence as a child, but at 8??? I'm sure my mom still knew where I was, who I was with and where I'd be eating!
Do you know her parents at all? I certainly hope they don't leave the house while she is outside! I'd probably start calling them to say, "Little Mandie is at our house right now; just thought you'd want to know!" in a cheery voice but also to check that someone is home.
that is like our neighbor girl, only she has been that way for at least 3 years and is now 8sh.
However, remembering our childhood, my brothers and I excercised more freedom...
It does seem out of whack, especially the lunch and dinner part. I do remember being 8 and spending all day riding my bike up and down the street, playing hand ball at the school, playing with friends. But I think my mom knew where I was. Also times have changed. I don't know any parents that give young children that kind of freedom today.
Is she clean? It sounds like she's not being taken care of at all!
I worked at Six Flags for a two summers. One summer there were two kids that I always saw at the park (2-3 days a week) but never saw parents. The girl was 9ish and the boy was 7ish. One day, the girl told me that her mom dropped them off at Six flags on MWF and Sea World on TTh. I was shocked that her mom thought that was appropriate child care!
Make friends with the kid. Do the right thing. She needs a little structure and attention.
We had a kid show up at our house shortly after the swingset went up. She was here for three or four hours and we had never seen her before, didn't know where she came from and her parents never came looking for her. I watched her when she left, so I know where she belongs. I'm just amazed that her parents never came over to make sure we weren't freaks or at least ask if it was OK for her daughter to hang out.
I think some parents, Phil, don't really care what their kids are doing as long as they're out of their hair. And they must just be trusting of their neighbors. That's a thought that's reassuring, but a little disturbing too.
Make friends with the kid.
Problem is, my kids don't like her. The girl is a bit of a liar and my kids got tired of hearing her "stories" at the park.
Is she clean? It sounds like she's not being taken care of at all!
From what I can tell she looks clean and clothed and reasonably healthy. I think she comes and goes from her house (they always leave their door unlocked) to get food.
And, yes, the parents do leave while she's outside. As far as I can tell, they just assume the neighborhood will babysit their daughter.
We've got a similar girl living in our neighborhood, only she's six. She has been very independent for at least two years. On the weekend, she knocks on our door to play at least once a day, and I have had to tell her she can't be playing in our basement without telling her mom where she is on more than one occasion. It's sad, more than anything.
One of the things I've lived to regret is feeling resentful of the little girls (two in this case) around 5 and 6, whose mother and stepfather lived down the street from us. They began to habitually show up on my doorstep every afternoon around 3:30 after being delivered home on a schoolbus. At first I invited them to sit and chat (on the porch) but later began to hide or otherwise be unavailable to them. Why? I was resentful at being used for babysitting for the mother that I imagined being less concerned for her daughters than for keeping her new husband around. Now that I think back, I wish I'd been more patient. They were pretty nice little kids overall and I worry a little in hindsight how they turned out.
It was a big leap to let our kids start going to neighbor's houses. But I know all the mamas and they are a one minute walk away from my home.
But no, wandering around the neighborhood is certainly forbidden. On the other hand, I used to be the clingy overprotective type who would hover over the children as they played outside. Thankfully, I've outgrown that.
What you described is not appropriate, safe, wise and well, it's wrong and very sad.
I remembered a lot of kids like this when I was growing up. We lived in a series of cul-de-sacs that backed into oversized green drainage areas. Big enough to play ball in.
It wasn't uncommon for six- and seven-year olds to roam the huge subdivision, though most were about 9 or older.
One neighbor, who had eight kids, kicked their children over 5 or 6 out of the house around 9 a.m. and were only allowed back in at lunch and again at dinner.
While my mom set time and distance limits, I was pretty much free to roam around like that from about the age of 10; I don't remember how much freedom my younger brother had.
At the same time, usually one or two parents were always outside during those hours. I suspect they quietly kept an eye on us.
Not sure if it applies to the girl in question, but I just thought I'd say it wasn't all that uncommon when and where I grew up.
But then that was the beauty of the suburbs back then. Safe. Clean. Lots of room to play.
The same division today is too dangerous to allow anything like that.
It sounds like everyone knows at least one kid like that. In our case, it's a little boy. He rides his bike around looking for someone to play with and I always worry that he's going to get hit by a car or snatched. I've let my kids play with him outside, but I feel uncomfortable letting him come in when his parents don't know where he is.
When I was a kid, our rule was that we had to be within the sound of my dad's whistle. He would whistle, count sixty seconds, and if we weren't standing in front of him, we were in trouble. We didn't have exact boundaries, but we always took care to stay pretty close and drop everything when we heard the signal...lol!
I wonder if she is escaping from something more than being "shoved out the door." Perhaps not even anything nefarious or negligent, but as simple as "mom and dad always fight with each other."
Everyone makes good points here.
If it were me, I'd try and sit down and listen to her, get a better sense of what's going on. Watch how she plays, etc.
That's easy for me in my case as I'm the stay-at-home and I try to learn *everything of kid relevance* that I can about the cul de sac and the kids therein, and I am not afraid to knock on parents doors that I don't know well to introduce myself and - in the case of parents that never ever come outside - compliment their children and tell them that they are welcome to come over and play with mine whenever they wish.
I have had the "I'm not a babysitter talk" couched as politely as possible, but firmly so that there was no doubt that an invitation was needed from that particular child to enter our yard and play with our kids.
I've also had the "concerned about this or that behaviour" with hints that I don't think it's the kids fault, but a matter of poor parental oversight.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with erring on the side of the kid's safety and calling child services. Hey, if the parents don't like you, they don't like you.
Kids first. Adults second.
I figure most of the adults don't like me already. After all, I'm a man who stays home with his kids. And an artist. And . . . shit, insert any of another dozen strikes against me.
Simply don't care. The kids all know they can turn to me, and I watch out for the neighborhood.
Does this make any sense?
Wrong all wrong. What a frustrating situation for you guys!
I agree, my kids play in the house or back yard or we are all in the park, it's only now at 13 and 12 that I start encouraging them to GET OUT (to be active though)!! lol
As parents we never win, now my kids don't want to social with others down the street. Maybe soon.
It's a catch 22 situation isn't it.
My son is 7 and there is NO WAY that I will let go anywhere unsupervised. No-where. Not even the park BUT then again we live in South Africa with a high crime rate, so this is based on the dangers we have here
Reading this thread has reminded me of two sisters that were let roam free in my brothers' neighborhood back in the late 90s. One was 5/6 and the other was 3!! Can you believe that? I wasn't even a parent yet, and my stomach flip-flopped everytime I thought about that little girl. CPS definitely should have been called in that instance.
I had a high level of independence at age 8 also, but we lived way out in the country on ten acres of land, and it was the 70s man...my seven year old is too shy to go running around the neighborhood without me anyway, which I suppose is a good thing. He generally stays in our yard, or plays on the computer or hangs with our four year old most days.
I was that kid. I grew up in small towns, but still it wasn't as safe as my parents thought. Many inappropriate things happened that I never told anyone about, let alone my parents.
I remember one of the families in the neighborhood making up an excuse why I couldn't play at their house. I knew they weren't telling me the truth. I was unable to read social queues, so I didn't know that I had warn out my welcome.
I was so ashamed. They never mentioned a particular behavior, so I concluded it wasn't something I did, but who I was inside. I felt that I was bad and unlovable. I despised myself.
A few years later we moved to another small town. Families there were much kinder and it made a big difference in my life. My parents didn't intend to be negligent. They couldn't teach what they didn't know.
Whatever you could do to teach this child how to navigate in the world would be a gift. She is not going to learn it at home. It helps to remind yourself that it is not her fault that she is annoying.
I would start by inviting the whole family over for dinner. If these are basically decent people then being in your home could give them a glimps of a better way. If there are "bad," then you will know if you need to call social services and report them for neglect.
It sounds less like independence and more like neglect to me. That is really too bad... I'm worried something bad is going to happen to her.
Though I don't agree with the whole latch key thing for kids that age, it would be different if she were just home by herself... but to be wandering the streets whether the parents are home or gone... seriously that is neglect.
Have you thought about calling social services or the police?
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