A Sense Of Self
I read something over on the CityMama blog that really made me think (I hate when that happens)... Discussing the whole idea of "hipster parents," CityMama wrote: "It's not about parents putting themselves first, it's about parents trying to retain some sense of self in order to be better parents, because in the end, it's about the children, people."
A sense of self? As in, what defines me and makes me unique? I've always felt that my purpose in life is what defined me. And that has changed through the years. Never more so than when my first child was born. When I held my son for the first time, I knew instantly what my purpose in life should be.
There was no "sense of self" to be retained, because I was starting down a new path as a father. Being a good parent has nothing to do with who you are outside of that role. It's about giving yourself over completely to the new you, the new "sense of self" that your children are looking to for guidance and inspiration.
In other words, your kids don't care if you are fashionable or snarky or nerdy. They just want you to love them. They see you as "mom" or "dad" and that's just about the only definition of yourself you'll never need.
A sense of self? As in, what defines me and makes me unique? I've always felt that my purpose in life is what defined me. And that has changed through the years. Never more so than when my first child was born. When I held my son for the first time, I knew instantly what my purpose in life should be.
There was no "sense of self" to be retained, because I was starting down a new path as a father. Being a good parent has nothing to do with who you are outside of that role. It's about giving yourself over completely to the new you, the new "sense of self" that your children are looking to for guidance and inspiration.
In other words, your kids don't care if you are fashionable or snarky or nerdy. They just want you to love them. They see you as "mom" or "dad" and that's just about the only definition of yourself you'll never need.
Permalink posted by Idaho Dad at 10:35 PM
11 Comments:
I would totally agree with you in all areas but one.
Come 13 or 14, your kids will care about your fashionability and no matter how are you try, you'll (nor I) will ever achieve it. LOL
Very intersting debate. I really sometimes don't know how to answer what defines me, yes I'm a mum mostly and first of all. But no, I don't believe in that hippy urban stuff to much either, just clean and neatness so I don't embarras my family. But I also do like to study and become more (or cleverer) than what I am and not stagnate, some do other things like play netbal or be artistic. I always think what will I be or do when my kids leave home, who am I then? New role?
wait for it, wait for it...........ah yes - teenagers. Everything you now know about partenting you will be questioning. Some teenagers are worse than others but if you think love, support and devotion are all it takes you could be in for some real heartache.
Also, they will notice fashionability and they will think you have none but that is ok. In their eyes the only thing worse is if you try to be hip, they hate that.
Exactly. I couldn't quite express what's been bothering me about this trend, and you've pointed me in the right direction.
What disturbs me is the implication that it's possible (and desirable) to compartmentalize one's life for the sake of convenience. Kids are one life, spouse another, and I shouldn't allow them to intrude on who I really am.
'Retaining some sense of self' is simply a new euphemism for being selfish, and wanting to have everything as you'd like.
Fatherhood can't be turned off.
Yes, there is a WORLD of difference in having children and then having teenagers; however, if you stick to who you are (the parent) and not try to be their friend, eventually, they do grow up and appreciate you even more. And one day, hopefully, they DO leave home and your role is altered yet again-- it's part of the process.
Odd, I never changed much, at least in the way I view the world; though I do tend to view it more intensely. My sense of self certainly didn't change much, though I think my wife's did.
There was, of course, an adjustment period just like any other major life change.
But I guess I knew my kids would be the most important thing before they ever happened, so having kids was already incorporated into my sense of self.
What you said about your purpose in life changing when you had kids really resonated with me. I totally agree with that. But I think there is a dimension of the "sense of self" idea that is valid. Eventually, your kids will leave home. Your purpose will change. Will you recognize what's left of you as someone you know?
Without sacrificing the time I spend with my kids or my ideals in raising them, I try to nurture and sustain my whole person--with literature, with hobbies, with thought and writing and spiritual discovery. (I didn't read the "hipster parents" article, so I may be on a whole different tangent here.)
Being a family, my kids and husband and I all occupy large amounts of space in each other's lives, but we also retain a sense of dictinctiveness that, when brought to the family table, enriches the time we share together rather than detracting from it.
Great post, and great, thought-provoking ideas.
I survived, or I think I did, a disfunctional family. My children were subjected to a broken home at an early age.
Your role will evolve as the children grow older, but to yourself be true. Remember who you are, remember that your children will grow up and leave, and above all, nurture the relationship that you have with your wife, because the kids will leave some day.
Make sure that you still have something going when they do.
Yes, I agree with you Phil. There's no other important role that I want people to see me doing except as a mom. I've been to one job interview and they asked.."What was the biggest achievement so far in your life?" I instantly thought of answering.."Being a mother"..but people don't accept that in job interviews..
Sorry, have to disagree. I didn't know that trying to retain a sense of self was a "movement", but it's always made sense to me. What it means to me is that you keep up with your interests and keep developing your mind and soul as an adult. Is it selfish to take an art class once in a while? Or to go to the gym or join a softball league? Or some sort of social organization? I don't think it is. Are my (SAHD) husband and I bad parents because we go to our Friday poker night, just like we did before we became parents? (Our daughter comes with us and falls asleep there, in their baby's room). How about our habit of dropping the baby off with my MIL so that we can go to our 1-hour Karate class on Saturday. Does this mean we love our daughter less? Is she going to resent the fact that we have interests outside of her? I just don't see it. Aren't parents aloud to have hobbies anymore? As a new mom and a teacher I meet so many women who have NOTHING to talk about except their kids activities. What kind of role model for a healthy adulthood is that?
Lisa, you're right. I think the problem arises when a mom or a dad forgets that the most important thing in their life is just to be a parent, and all the other stuff should not be the focus of their attention.
It's like when a guy gets married but keeps acting like a bachelor, unwilling to make the changes in his life to accommodate his new role as a husband.
Myself, I still do plenty of things just for myself. Well, when I have the time. Doesn't seem to be enough time these days for everything.
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