Are You A Man?
If you're a stay-at-home dad, then you've seen the disapproving looks and heard the snide comments. At first it bothers you, but after awhile you realize that the animosity usually stems from either ignorance or jealousy.
And where do these looks and comments come from? Oh, just about everywhere. Family, friends, men, women, stay-at-home moms... But the worst are the golf-playing, beer-drinking, Minoxidil-rubbing, weight-pumping working dads. They have their own personal definition of what a man is supposed to be, and it sure as heck doesn't include vacuuming, changing diapers, and cooking a healthy family meal.
I bring this up because I heard from one of the Neanderthals today, in a forum devoted to news and issues concerning the town in which I live.
He responded to me with this:
Try to be a man (really). Get a job and go to work.
Eight years ago, this comment would've made me flustered, because I was still figuring out my role as a stay-at-home dad. But now? Well, I just have a giggle over guys like this. If he really is so clueless to think that a dad who stays at home AND homeschools his son is something less than a man, then that's his problem. I won't even go into the "go to work" comment. Some days I wish I had an outside job to run to so I could take a break from the incredible amount of work involved in running a household and teaching my son.
So, what is a man? Outside of the obvious anatomical explanations, I have no idea. He is who he is. And he does his best with what he has.
In the immortal words of Sean Altman:
I'm a man -- I got my problems.
I got my puzzles -- I try to solve 'em
Ah, but I'm doing the best that I can
'Cause I'm not super... I'm just a man
Listen: Sean Altman - "Are You A Man?"
And where do these looks and comments come from? Oh, just about everywhere. Family, friends, men, women, stay-at-home moms... But the worst are the golf-playing, beer-drinking, Minoxidil-rubbing, weight-pumping working dads. They have their own personal definition of what a man is supposed to be, and it sure as heck doesn't include vacuuming, changing diapers, and cooking a healthy family meal.
I bring this up because I heard from one of the Neanderthals today, in a forum devoted to news and issues concerning the town in which I live.
He responded to me with this:
Try to be a man (really). Get a job and go to work.
Eight years ago, this comment would've made me flustered, because I was still figuring out my role as a stay-at-home dad. But now? Well, I just have a giggle over guys like this. If he really is so clueless to think that a dad who stays at home AND homeschools his son is something less than a man, then that's his problem. I won't even go into the "go to work" comment. Some days I wish I had an outside job to run to so I could take a break from the incredible amount of work involved in running a household and teaching my son.
So, what is a man? Outside of the obvious anatomical explanations, I have no idea. He is who he is. And he does his best with what he has.
In the immortal words of Sean Altman:
I'm a man -- I got my problems.
I got my puzzles -- I try to solve 'em
Ah, but I'm doing the best that I can
'Cause I'm not super... I'm just a man
Listen: Sean Altman - "Are You A Man?"
Permalink posted by Idaho Dad at 9:58 PM
16 Comments:
I'm 6'7", and 275. For some reason, I don't get a lot of those comments :)
"...go to work.."!!!
Obviously, this ignorant fool has never been the one to balance the various needs of a family while trying to stay sane-- dirty diapers, shopping, cooking, sachoolwork, etc. As you said, it is pointless to even get angry anymore; you can not explain anything to an ignorant person who is comfortable in his ignorance.
Hey, I have people telling me to stay home with my kids ...
That guy sounds like a schmuck -- the kind of guy whose wife has to get a sitter because her husband won't be a father to his own kids.
You rock.
Oh, what a doofus. He's just jealous because everyone knows women find stay at home dads very attractive.
Jerks like this can even be a problem for working dads because they give you a hard time about taking a sick day to spend with your kid or flex time to attend a baseball game. In fact, I've known these kinds of guys to damage the careers of working dads simply because they're working dads.
Keep up the real good work, Phil.
Almost 5 years into this gig and I still hear stuff once in a while. But , too am past the point of being bothered by it.
And kristen, it is becasue we are just so freakishly handsome and smart, right?
Hey, you know better to listen to all those words. Those people sounds so Asian..I find a man at home with kids very sexy you know!
I haven't gotten any rude comments like this, but definitely a lot of misunderstanding. It only bothers me when it comes from someone who should know better...like Clare's teacher. She hasn't said anything, but even though she knows I stay home, whenever she sends a note home it's only addressed to Clare's Mom. Some other parents think that I'm just out of work.
A man cannot leave a better legacy to the world than an educated family.
H.S. Truman
You have the most important job in the world, Phil, and you do it well!
I'm glad you let uneducated comments like that one just slide off your back now. Life is jigsaw puzzle enough without trying to work in the pieces other people want to force on you!
I learn a lot from reading your blog; not least of all how to find balance and satisfaction in the "roots and wings" project that we are working on every day. :D
"Well, I just have a giggle over guys like this."
What a perfect response, Phil!
Your kids are definitely lucky to have you around.
When I was in the midst of my mortgage banking career, around 1984, I met my first stay at home family. They applied for a home loan.
It was my first ever contact with the reverse role model, and I confess I was a little rattled.
Then I read their credit application. Her: completed med sChool and was an MD. Him: a former student at the same university. Her: making big bucks...
Him: Became a father of at that time, two children.
Bottom line, they chose to reverse the traditional roles because a Doctor makes more money than does a person with a BS or BA.
End of story. It was enlightening for me, and prepared me for Family Phil.
I agree with the one comment, I believe that was made by JBelle, one of my all time favorites. Get over it.
Yes, Mike, that is exactly it! But most importantly you forgot "willing to do laundry". That is easily the most attractive quality. ;>
Oh, and Phil, I also meant to mention that even though it's more socially "acceptable" for moms to stay home, I still get flack about it from time to time. My own nephew (who's 17) was talking to me about how he wasn't sure he wanted to go to college after all and I was listing all the great things about it and all I had learned while attending and then he said, "Yeah, and look how that worked out. Now you're just a mom." Boy, did I want to smack him upside the head!
All you can do is shake your head and smile....because they don't have a clue to the rewards of being a stay at home Dad. You never miss a minute. Working Dad, miss so much and are clueless until it is too late. You will never have to say, I wish I had been there.
And your kids are better off because of it.
Those of us who call you friend, know the real story... and know what a great Dad you are. They make cups with your name on it... see them in stores...
Greatest Dad...lol
I'm giggling too with you, what a ignorant gut that is. My ex do the same, I still get the sms's that says "go get a real job" next time i am going to reply "Wat ever floats your boat" he he he.
You are doing a great job and your wife and kids knows it, that's all that's needed!
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