Choices and Lies
I just told a fib to my son.
He's been working on his pinewood derby car for about a month. The "big race" is this Friday, and it's going to be a fun time with pizza and pop, prizes for things like best design, and a whole lot of good-natured jumping and screaming.
He hasn't been overly thrilled with Cub Scouts, but has slowly been warming up to it, and this event is something he's actually looking forward to.
Last week I received an email from the mother of a boy my son knew in first grade. They were best buddies all that year, but at the end of it we moved to our new house, which meant a new school for my son.
For one reason or another, this other kid's mother just didn't want to get our sons together to play. They were always too busy. Eventually I told my son that at his age friendships are at the mercy of the parents. If this boy's mother couldn't get her act together, there's nothing I could do about it.
So, almost two years after the friendship faded, I get this email inviting my son to a birthday party. This Friday night. I ran to break the happy news to him that he would have the chance to see his old first grade friend again. We immediately started talking about what kind of gifts he might like and what activities they might have at the party.
Later that night, in the perfect quiet after the children have finally fallen asleep, it dawned on me... Friday... Friday night... birthday party... pinewood derby. Oh shhhhhhhoot.
I knew right then that I couldn't let my son decide which event to go to. He would choose the birthday party over the scout event. But I knew from experience that the party would end up as a disappointment for him. He'd be one of a large group, with no chance for one-on-one time with his old friend, and it would bring up all the old questions about why his mother won't plan a play date.
On the other hand, the pinewood derby is with a group of kids that he's already involved with on a regular basis. He's forming new friendships with them that I expect to last awhile. Watching him design and build this little wooden car has been refreshing. I know he's going to have an awesome time at this race.
So here's where I fibbed... I told my son that the birthday party had to be canceled because of a family illness. His response was to shrug and say, "Oh well, I haven't seen him in such a long time." I think he was covering his disappointment, but ultimately he'll have a better experience at the pinewood derby.
I know this is just a preview of things to come. As my kids get older we'll face many more choices, both trivial and difficult, that we'll work through together. But for now, there are some decisions they just don't need to make for themselves.
He's been working on his pinewood derby car for about a month. The "big race" is this Friday, and it's going to be a fun time with pizza and pop, prizes for things like best design, and a whole lot of good-natured jumping and screaming.
He hasn't been overly thrilled with Cub Scouts, but has slowly been warming up to it, and this event is something he's actually looking forward to.
Last week I received an email from the mother of a boy my son knew in first grade. They were best buddies all that year, but at the end of it we moved to our new house, which meant a new school for my son.
For one reason or another, this other kid's mother just didn't want to get our sons together to play. They were always too busy. Eventually I told my son that at his age friendships are at the mercy of the parents. If this boy's mother couldn't get her act together, there's nothing I could do about it.
So, almost two years after the friendship faded, I get this email inviting my son to a birthday party. This Friday night. I ran to break the happy news to him that he would have the chance to see his old first grade friend again. We immediately started talking about what kind of gifts he might like and what activities they might have at the party.
Later that night, in the perfect quiet after the children have finally fallen asleep, it dawned on me... Friday... Friday night... birthday party... pinewood derby. Oh shhhhhhhoot.
I knew right then that I couldn't let my son decide which event to go to. He would choose the birthday party over the scout event. But I knew from experience that the party would end up as a disappointment for him. He'd be one of a large group, with no chance for one-on-one time with his old friend, and it would bring up all the old questions about why his mother won't plan a play date.
On the other hand, the pinewood derby is with a group of kids that he's already involved with on a regular basis. He's forming new friendships with them that I expect to last awhile. Watching him design and build this little wooden car has been refreshing. I know he's going to have an awesome time at this race.
So here's where I fibbed... I told my son that the birthday party had to be canceled because of a family illness. His response was to shrug and say, "Oh well, I haven't seen him in such a long time." I think he was covering his disappointment, but ultimately he'll have a better experience at the pinewood derby.
I know this is just a preview of things to come. As my kids get older we'll face many more choices, both trivial and difficult, that we'll work through together. But for now, there are some decisions they just don't need to make for themselves.
Permalink posted by Phil at 10:47 PM
12 Comments:
"If this boy's mother couldn't get her act together, there's nothing I could do about it."
I get more and more annoyed that my kid can't get together with _anyone_ who is a good friend. One favorite has a mom who is an übervolunteer and an überscheduler of the other kids in the family (who are older) for sports and such. Another friend's family never returns phone calls. Another one says they'll call us "after we run errands" and we hear nothing.
Thankfully we have _one_ new friend who lives nearby who tries to make time for playing once every week or two. We are soooo grateful.
If I had a dime for every time a mother scurries her child to the car, at school while saying to me over her shoulder, "I'll call you" but never does, I'd be rich.
I was semi-paranoid it was me they were avoiding. I know it's little solace to you, but it's comforting to know it's not just me that's getting that behavior.
I remember my pinewood derby race. I kept that car for years afterwards. One thing we as parents can see that our kids cannot, is that friends come and go over the years. However, annihilating the competition in a pinewood derby race gives a memory that lasts a lifetime.
Man what a tough situation.
As a former Cubmaster, though, I have to agree that you made the right choice. The pinewood derby can be such a great time - if handled correctly.
I remember my parents "let me decide" about something, but when I made the choice they disagreed with, they "made the right choice for me".
Sad days...I feel for your son. I do think you made the right choice as far as which thing to choose...my dilema is the lying to your child (please don't get frustrated with me yet)...but here's the thing, the cub scout thing WAS a previous engagement. We can't always give our children choices, sometimes we have to tell them this is how it is...if we teach them that if something better comes along they can renig on the first obligation, we are setting them up for failure in the real world...I'll be honest, I would have told my son the truth, that I had not checked the date and he already had an obligation to his troop to be at the pinewood derby (which by the way, I STILL REMEMBER my BROTHERS, ha). Please don't think I think you are a bad parent, I am thoroughly impressed with you on a blogging basis...I am just suggesting something else to think about... You rock, promise...hope this didn't offend you...
As a huge fan of the Pinewood Derby, those happen much less frequently than a birthday party.
You made a good decision and one I think you can stick by comfortably.
Phil - you are spot on with this one. Other than abuse or something horrible, there are few things worse than the overscheduling parent. Do we need stressed out and run-ragges toddlers and tweens? No, we do not.
Have a grand time at the derby, where your son can really enjoy himself and not worry about some other boy/stranger (at this point).
jtcosby said my sentiments exactly...I would have told my kid (and I have had to do just this in the past) that we committed to the first event and we needed to stick with that committment. We can send his friend a birthday card and tell him we'll be thinking of him.
We have exactly the same problem with children our three year old really connects with who my partner finds never seem to make time for their children to get together with other children.
Partly, I suspect, its because we have no family in the area and they do. Or there's an established circle of friends and people find it difficult to step out of their relationship comfort zone. It's frustrating though - one's left feeling that one is always the one making the calls. I listen to supermum talking about this (it affects the partner who stays at home the most, I think) and it sounds just like school - this awful social dance of do-they-don't-they like us.
Tough call, but probably the right one. Of course now you are going to have to make sure he never reads this blog!
I agree with Dan above, you can tell a lie, but don't document it.
Courts and therapists will use it against you.
I like what jtcosby said. Maybe the truth rather than a fib, after all the derby sound wayyyy more fun, but as a parent I have been there and done that too Phil, so no worries.
At least that mother 'came around' after two years and acknowledged the boys are in their hearts still good friends and it need to be recognised.
Your lad must be one grand child that his friends remember him over 2 years and haven't even seen him.
We want photo's of that derby and car!!!
I moved to a new city and school when I was six, and attended a couple of "old friend" birthday parties in the following years. Boy, were those depressing. Nothing like seeing your former best friend frolicking his/her new best friends to make you feel like a sack of crap. You did your son a favor.
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