Losing My Cool
It's easy to come across as a Perfect Dad on a blog. I am my own editor. I can only talk about the good stuff if I want to.
Sometimes (like every single day) I make mistakes. This evening, for instance, my son wanted to watch a particular episode of What's New, Scooby Doo? but we couldn't find the DVD. It's in a box that we haven't opened yet, and who knows where that box might be. Anyway, I looked and looked, and finally told my son that it just couldn't be found right now. By this time, my wife and daughter had picked out a DVD of The Muppet Show and were starting it. My son looked at the TV and burst into wailing tears. I lost my cool and said, "You're seven years old and you're crying like a baby over a dumb TV show."
Then I said something really stupid, "Try coming home one day to find your father left you like mine did and then you'll have something to cry about."
I really regret saying both things. I do believe my son is too old to be crying uncontrollably about a lost DVD, but I'm sure there was a better way for me to handle it. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
Sometimes (like every single day) I make mistakes. This evening, for instance, my son wanted to watch a particular episode of What's New, Scooby Doo? but we couldn't find the DVD. It's in a box that we haven't opened yet, and who knows where that box might be. Anyway, I looked and looked, and finally told my son that it just couldn't be found right now. By this time, my wife and daughter had picked out a DVD of The Muppet Show and were starting it. My son looked at the TV and burst into wailing tears. I lost my cool and said, "You're seven years old and you're crying like a baby over a dumb TV show."
Then I said something really stupid, "Try coming home one day to find your father left you like mine did and then you'll have something to cry about."
I really regret saying both things. I do believe my son is too old to be crying uncontrollably about a lost DVD, but I'm sure there was a better way for me to handle it. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
Permalink posted by Idaho Dad at 12:37 AM
9 Comments:
I'm sorry to say that I can't offer a concrete comment on handling the situation you just described. But I do know that part of being a good parent is letting children know and see that their parents are also strugging to be good (and better) people. Parents may make mistakes, too, and when necessary, they apologize and repair the blunder. The kids see "in 3-D" that there are no perfect parents (and perfect people for that matter) but that the important thing is that we do our best. Knowing that his dad does his best -- alongside the blunders -- will let your son realize more that he is loved. =)
Excellent comment from sunnyday. That was a tough situation to begin with. Had it been me, (because I relate with two 7 year olds) and I knew I wasn't going to find that DVD any time soon, I'd have brought the child with me to find paper and pen, and written a note to post on the frig that said when the DVD was found, he would be able to play it. I would have signed it, and asked him to sign it. It's a small offering, but at that age they tend to take such things very seriously, and a concrete (paper) acknowledgement of his right to watch that DVD when located might have been enough. If not, I would have told him to go to his room until we could discuss it without his crying. Still, no easy answer here. Seven is an emotional age for both boys and girls I've found. Don't beat yourself up. We aren't perfect.
Boy do I know how you feel. I have an eight year old boy. I will admit I have done the same thing you just did. My son is natorious for crying uncontrollably over the smalles most stupid things. I use to tell him and even give him "something to cry about." Now I've learned that most of the time I just have to send him to his room to think about the situation and allow me a chance to think clearly in order to handle the situation best. Every child is different though. Our middle boy all I have to tell him is if he doesn't stop that crying I'll take away a toy or priviage he'll quit in a heartbeat and has even managed a smile at me in short order. But I agree 7-8 year olds shouldn't need to cry over something so little, and it can sure try your patients.
I've even made a similar mistake. Not in the heat of the moment but I did throw it in my sons face when he came home crying about kids teasing him, that he had nothing to cry about because he never had to be picked on and made the target of all the teasing because of a religion his parents belonged to like I had. We talked about it later. I think he understood then that he didn't have that rough of a time at school. I've never heard him complain again unless the bullying got physical.
Maybe the best way to patch up that situation is to talk to your son about what happened to you and how you felt when it happened. I'm sure he is old enough to understand, and will probably have a much greater appreciation for the Dad you have been to him. Good luck on that one.
I've been known to lose my cool as well. With my kids and many others. Life can be frustrating and at times, its easy to forget they're kids.
I've learned to apologize fiercely.
And I agree.... to a point, kids sort of need to see stuff like this to see that we're human too and we have limits.
I can relate to your situation with your dad as well. Mine took off when I was 5. It was rough growing up, but I think it helped shape me into what I am today. I learned how to be a great dad myself by NOT following his example.
On a side note, are you the "Phil" on Rebel Dad's convention wiki?
I'm looking forward to the convention, especially putting some human faces to the folks I interact with on here.
More than a few times, Ive caught myself either blowing my top like you did, or not knowing when to end the lecture. "Couldn't listen, could you?" " I asked you 5 times to put it down, and did you? NOOOOO You HAD to throw it anyways". And so forth. (And he's only almost 3).
My most proud (if you can call it that) moments of feeling like an ass, and then trying to make it up to him usually go as follows..
ME: "Logan..."
Log: "Yeah da?"
ME: "A few minuted ago, when daddy was yelling..."
Log: "sorry dada"
Me: "No- that was not nice of daddy. I'm sorry. Sorry Logan."
Log: (Shaking his finger at me and shaking his head back and forth) "Big no-no dada".
Me: "I know - I know"
Shannon
Saying something you regret is human - making up for it (and smoothing it over) is the job of a good parent.
yeah, I think for dads it's really important to try to quash that urge we have to get mad at our sons when they cry like this about apparently small things. I've done the same thing. But I also realize that one way our society damages men is to have dads do exactly that kind of thing. SO now, when my son cries about apparently little inconsequential things, I try really really hard to suppress that urge in me. Because I've realized that if he's crying about seemingly small things, the crying is about something bigger going on in his life. I'd also say I agree with sunnyday too.
I've discovered my son is more tolerant of mistakes than I am.
I find that whenever I let go on my son like that, it's usually because I'm stressed about something entirely unrelated to him. It may be that his pushing my buttons it what sends me over the edge, but often it doesn't start with him. You're both probably tired and cranky from the move (and who can blame you...moving sucks, if you'll pardon the expression) and he's probably reacting in a way he wouldn't normally and same for you. I agree with some of the other commentors that it's great to apologize for something you regret having said and it's okay for your kids to know you're human. I've said some pretty stupid things to my son in the heat of frustration and even though I beat myself up over it, it does make me feel better to admit my fault and just let him know that I love him and mommy's and daddy's all make mistakes too.
When you say a 7 year old shouldn't be crying over such little things, what are you basing that belief on? Do you know what's going on developmentally with a 7 year old?
Also, for those of us who learn to apologize profusely, apologies may mean something, but changing our behavior means everything. Apologizing is way too easy and ultimately falls way short.
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