It's You I Like
"The greatest gift you can give someone is your honest self."
- Fred Rogers
Have you ever tried this? Actually given someone your honest self? It doesn't always work...
When my son was about three, we started watching Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood every day. I loved the message that Fred Rogers sent out. Love, honesty, friendship, education. I looked forward to the show even more than my son, because I felt that what Mr. Rogers was saying was pertinent to people of all ages.
Applying his words to my life, I came to believe that honesty was the best policy with my friends and family. Well, it works with my kids. They get the real me, and they seem to be happy with who I am, quirks and all. Different story with some of my friends. I opened up to one friend, of over twenty years, about several misunderstandings and slights from the past that had always bugged me... Basically, that he had taken me for granted on several occasions. I just wanted him to know how I'd been feeling so that we could be better friends in the future.
Oops... In this case, my new honesty completely backfired and my old friend told me in no uncertain terms that my feelings were unimportant. That if I couldn't appreciate his friendship, then he wouldn't be my friend at all. And it's been nearly a year since I last spoke with him.
Since that time I've wrestled with how to be both the honest and thoughtful person that my kids enjoy, and the fakey, cloying, formal person some of my friends and family seem to need. It's tough, dizzying work switching back and forth. I'd rather just pick one and run with it.
Why can't we all just like each other the way we are? ... As Mr. Rogers sings:
It's you I like,
It's not the things you wear,
It's not the way you do your hair --
But it's you I like
The way you are right now,
The way down deep inside you --
Not the things that hide you,
Not your toys--
They're just beside you.
But it's you I like --
Every part of you,
Your skin, your eyes, your feelings
Whether old or new.
I hope that you'll remember
Even when you're feeling blue
That it's you I like,
It's you yourself,
It's you, it's you I like.
- Fred Rogers
Have you ever tried this? Actually given someone your honest self? It doesn't always work...
When my son was about three, we started watching Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood every day. I loved the message that Fred Rogers sent out. Love, honesty, friendship, education. I looked forward to the show even more than my son, because I felt that what Mr. Rogers was saying was pertinent to people of all ages.
Applying his words to my life, I came to believe that honesty was the best policy with my friends and family. Well, it works with my kids. They get the real me, and they seem to be happy with who I am, quirks and all. Different story with some of my friends. I opened up to one friend, of over twenty years, about several misunderstandings and slights from the past that had always bugged me... Basically, that he had taken me for granted on several occasions. I just wanted him to know how I'd been feeling so that we could be better friends in the future.
Oops... In this case, my new honesty completely backfired and my old friend told me in no uncertain terms that my feelings were unimportant. That if I couldn't appreciate his friendship, then he wouldn't be my friend at all. And it's been nearly a year since I last spoke with him.
Since that time I've wrestled with how to be both the honest and thoughtful person that my kids enjoy, and the fakey, cloying, formal person some of my friends and family seem to need. It's tough, dizzying work switching back and forth. I'd rather just pick one and run with it.
Why can't we all just like each other the way we are? ... As Mr. Rogers sings:
It's you I like,
It's not the things you wear,
It's not the way you do your hair --
But it's you I like
The way you are right now,
The way down deep inside you --
Not the things that hide you,
Not your toys--
They're just beside you.
But it's you I like --
Every part of you,
Your skin, your eyes, your feelings
Whether old or new.
I hope that you'll remember
Even when you're feeling blue
That it's you I like,
It's you yourself,
It's you, it's you I like.
Permalink posted by Phil at 10:37 AM
5 Comments:
Reflexively, it could also be a great way to figure out who your real friends are and who is most important to you. Sometimes people need to look out for themselves, and see as how you already have a great family, why struggle to keep up a faux exterior.
Live life to be happy and care free! Difficulty to do, yes, if not everyone in the world tries to do the same thing.
Well that had me pondering for a few minutes. Am I giving people the honest me? Like you, my kids get me and so does wife. A few friends do, fewer family. I never try to be what I'm not so Fred would approve. But I certainly do practice selective honesty with acquaintances, making conscious choices in conversations to avoid controversial subjects & opinions.
Ive been in similar situation - I ended up feeling worse about having wasted all those years thinking I had a god friend, than worying about the loss.
It sure was an eye opener, huh?
Shannon
It never feels good to lose what you thought was a friend, but I believe each of us is better off in the long run being honest, or authentic, with the people in our lives. That doesn't mean that we should speak our minds in all situations to all people, but if we're focused on building deep relationships we have to be honest with the people close to us.
I think you did the right thing.
I agree with everyone who said you did the right thing in being straightfoward with your friend, but I also think the issue you raised has lots of complexities to it.
I recently moved to a small town and am noticing that I have lots of interactions every day with people I barely know. Dropping my daughter off at camp, or going to the supermarket or walking in the park ... I bump into people and have little, casual snippets of conversation that are part of being in contact with neighbors. And while I would like to be seen as authentic and grounded and caring, I find these brushes with connection to be at odds with that. It's a new world for me trying to be comfortable having the friends who know me and the large numbers who don't, but are coming to know me through these daily soundbites.
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