If the animal rights movement can spare the time from its tofu bake sales, I could use a little help on the emancipation of animals.
I know of neighbors who lock their dogs inside fences. Some tie them to trees. And the worst of these sadists pull their victims along the street by a noose around the poor creature's throat.
Some of my own relatives imprison cats inside their homes each night, denying the pitiful things their regular ration of sex.
And I don't even want to tell you about all the restraints and pens used on farms to deny horses, cows, chickens and pigs their right to run free.
How come we never get any help from the animal rights movement on that? If they ever get a minute from all their marches and all the time they spend trashing university research projects, those of us in the animal slavery abolition movement could use a hand.
Americans decided a long time ago that it is wrong for one human being to own another human being. Indeed, there is no law in this country to support the ownership of one dog by another dog. And nowhere in this great nation will the law permit a pig to own chickens, or vice versa.
But people can own dogs. People can own pigs. People can own chickens. And they can do pretty much what they choose to those animals, including holding them prisoner in the same living room with a stereo playing rap tunes or a television set tuned to reruns of "Gilligan's Island."
But not at our house. We have a cat door. We have freedom. Cats can come and go as they please or even leave forever, if they are stupid enough to give up a good deal. And these cats didn't merely stray into our yard, having escaped from some urban animal plantation. We went to houses where cruel masters, admitted animal owners, were imprisoning kittens. We talked them into emancipating a total of three kittens in recent years.
We invited not ordered those cats into our home. And once they got a look at the brimming dish of free food, they moved in. They have remained with us voluntarily ever since (not doing a lick of work, if you want to know the truth).
However, I must report with regret that some of the same people in the animal liberation movement, who rightly protest the imprisonment of animals in university laboratories, are known to imprison animals themselves.
Cats and dogs and hamsters and God knows what other poor unfortunate animals are held prisoner by these savage hypocrites, locked behind fences and walls, not permitted to roam freely through this great country in which they live.
It is time we put a stop to that in this country. We are all animals. We are all brothers and sisters even if some of our brothers and sisters are hairier and meaner than the rest of us. And I don't speak merely of animal liberation extremists; I include bulldogs and chickens in that description.
What is right for us should be right for dogs, cats, horses, pigs, cows and chickens. They should be free to come and go as they please, just as we are.
If you locked a man or a woman inside your home and insisted that he or she curl up with you on the couch and accept regular petting, the authorities would nail you for imprisoning a love slave.
And yet millions of Americans, including members of the animal rights ''liberation'' movement, keep fuzzy love slaves while protesting the imprisonment of animals in other realms.
It is time to set these prisoners free the cats and the dogs and the parakeets in the cities, the horses and the pigs and the chickens and the cows on the farm. Let these, our furry, feathery, four-footed brethren of the animal world, go free.
After all, who are we to declare ourselves so superior that we have the right to treat them as our slaves, breeding them, working them, fondling them, forcing affection on them one day, castrating them the next?
Who are we to regard ourselves as the super animals and all other animals as mere property to be owned and used as we please?
Let's have a real animal liberation movement for a change. Let's liberate animals, not just from labs, but from animal rights slaveholders as well.
Set the animals free.
And for God's sake, somebody put some clothes on them.
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